The Most Pinteresting Women in the World

I was first introduced to Pinterest by someone who had planned her entire wedding on it.

Do you want me to invite you? She asked.

To your wedding? I’d just met this girl. She must not have many friends…

“No, I mean, uhh maybe,” she said, “but you need an invite to get on Pinterest.”

It turns out she wasn’t engaged, or anywhere near it, but don’t worry, she knows what hair style she is going to have, what her engagement pictures are going to look like, and the napkins she plans to use on her big day.

So when I signed up a few weeks later, I thought I was joining something exclusive and cool. Besides, who needs Facebook? Just the other day I was looking for a reason to get off it after I saw someone had posted this:

Someone I know from HS
Just witnessed a man walking get hit by a truck!! Wtf.
Like • • about an hour ago via mobile •
3 people like this.

Dudewith VeryItalianName I like the guy that gave it a thumbs up ^^ lol
about an hour ago • Like

Toughguy Bro Holy shit….that’s pretty tough….where at
51 minutes ago • Like

It became very clear I needed a new source of entertainment. Because now do I not only feel sorry for you with your pathetic post, I feel sorry for the guy that just got hit by a truck. And now I can’t stop thinking about him.

It’s kind of like the TV shows that just end up killing off people and turning them into lesbians to maintain an audience. That’s what you need to do get attention on Facebook these days. No one cares anymore if you are just going to Cancun. You had better have gone to Cancun and run into Snooki and gotten drunk with her. Either that or be held at gunpoint by the head of Los Zetas and gotten thrown in the back of their cartel truck and then post from Juarez with nothing but your iPhone and the clothes on your back. That’ll get people commenting.

Enter Pintrest, my new source of entertainment. I started by making a board on the only thing I know or can ever talk about, sports. I had already made a sports bucket list on a word document last summer, so decided to convert it to cool picture form. Since you presumably haven’t done anything on your pintrest bucket list yet, you can steal people’s pictures offline. Which Is great because there are lots of pictures of people who look much sexier snowboarding in the alps than me. Cute girl in one of those eentsy Cubby Blue tshirts touring Wrigley Field? Check. Her hair looks way better with a hat than mine anyway. Besides, I don’t want to post a picture of me in a wetsuit running an Ironman 70.3

Had I browsed around before making my board, I would have stopped dead in my tracks. While that girl’s wedding page freaked me out, I soon discovered many worse. Pinterest is grown-ups playing Barbies and House. One girl pinned how she wants her nonexistent boyfriend to propose to her—by cutting out the inside of the Harry Potter book with a ring inside at the chapter about some eternal vow. She doesn’t have a boyfriend, but then again, maybe that’s why.

Because, even though you can pinterest anything your little heart desires, there are really just a handful of categories: dream wedding, dream house, dream body, favorite quotes and dream wardrobe.

My fellow pinners dream of being very wealthy, but who doesn’t? They’ve pinned their lake houses, ski cottages, outdoor bathtubs, pool houses, and home theaters, all with scenic mountains and beaches in the background. Even in this economy, the walk-in closets, pimped out kitchens, and cool cabanas they’re pinning would put Brangelina’s house(s) to shame. Assemble their scattered and unrelated pictures into a floor plan (please explain how you are going to pull off a quaint coastal living-style cottage with a tricked out entertainment room and wet bar with 50 foot ceilings and a marble staircase) and you have a pad that’s gaudier than Versailles on crack.

Be nice, I tell myself. I need to stay friends with these people because I need to be invited over to these prospective pads.

In these houses, they have pinned many Martha Stewart-esque do it yourself projects. While I am not one to bash anything do-it-yourself, I question why you would really want to make a spinning bookshelf out of an oversize cable spool. Do you have one left over or is it something you just buy under the pretense of reusing and being crafty? Most of these pinners lack basic screwdriver and hammer skills anyway.

My favorite category is one you may not have heard of– Thinspiration. Why on earth would you post such inner dissatisifaction about yourself for millions of people to see? Is posting a model’s cute and perfectly bronzed butt in little yellow spandex really motivating you to do your “thin thighs in 30 days” workout? Looking at your thinspiration may motivate you and remind you that you do not have 4 legs (thinspiring quote is “You’re not a dog, don’t reward yourself with food”), but frankly it reminds me of that one time you went to the gym for 5 minutes and texted while you rode the stationary bike on level 1. These are the people who just like to talk about calories and post about skinny 4-pump no whip machiatto sugar free lattes. “Perfection” their elaborative caption reads under the picture of swirly caramel deliciousness.

For the record, I tried the thin thighs in 30 days workout and think it sucks.

Right below the workout board are their favorite recipes, which include the always-slimming buffalo chicken mac and cheese, followed by nutella and sea salt caramel chocolate fudge for dessert. If those do not satisfy, questionably low-carb cheescake dark chocolate brownie will surely do the trick.

Pictures of cute children also abound boards under guises like “Giggles and Fun” or “Just Presh.” If a man did what these Pintrest women are doing, they’d be arrested. Someone even pinned a picture of a piglet. What bothers me here is that you need to really tell me what the heck you plan on doing with the piglet. Are you going to adopt it, go to a petting zoo and take a picture of it, slaughter and eat it? And where exactly are you going to find that exact pink baby pig with black splotches?

But nothing was more symbolic than one girl’s board, titled “Books Worth Reading,” which failed to list a single book.

Ah yes, the Internet, promoter of democracy, freedom and ideas. It amazes me that people use the same tool, social media, to bring down Qaddafi that they do to amass various pregnancy picture poses. That’s right, there was a picture of someone’s baby bump with a green and white polka dot ribbon and a tag, that said “Do not open until May 3rd, 2012.” I guess you could do that too in Libya, but the tag would be more like, “Do not open unless it’s a boy.”

A friend I lamented with wouldn’t let me pinterest my prospective funeral (though I did see someone post a little black dress with the caption: If I ever die, wear this to my funeral and I’ll do everything I can to come back to life…), so I decided to do one for divorce. Just a few weeks ago, the first ever Divorce Expo occurred in New York. I repined some items from an extensive divorce party someone had planned using Pintrest. So just call me avant-garde. I was thinking of ways to reuse your invitations, donate your wedding dress or have it turned into a christening gown for your baby whose life is now going to suck because you’re a single parent.

My seemingly harmless social experiment was taken seriously by my Pintrest compatriots. Perfect strangers have repinned my ideas for converting a wedding ring into a necklace (“Love!”), donating your dress and the proceeds going to support Haitian refugees, and even a dessert I pinned with the caption “eat your feelings just for this day.” I’ve gotten as many followers, likes and repins from my Divorce board as I have from my sports bucket list. Was lying about my pintrest ethical? I suppose not. Worrisome that people just repin my divorce ideas as if it’s for a baby shower? Def.


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